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{Thursday, January 10, 2002}

Well, if nothing else, I'm getting better at remembering to write some entries, right? You know, the whole art of journaling is beyond me. I find myself writing alomst to the book/website, as if it(you) may actually respond to me. I have done this with each and every pathetic attempt to keep a journal since around age 10. It seems about once a year I decide I'm actually going to journal at least a few times a week-for real. I actually convince myself that I can do it this time, if I really try. For a few weeks, months on occasion, I actually do it. Then, somewhere, something in my brain reminds me that it really isn't important to me. Keeping a journal that is. I suppose there are times when it is important to me, for example, each time some hard emotional situation occurs, I always write, usually in journal form. But on a day to day basis, I just don't feel like it's that important for me to record my thoughts or activities. I do value the fact that I've kept sporatic journals though, it gives me something to gauge my thought process. I can see that even when I was 12 I thought a lot like I do now. I can see how my beliefs and thoughts developed and, to a degree, are developing. Plus, there is the added bonus of having memories on record, just for laughs mostly. I look back sometimes and see that the same problems that plagued me in elementary school are still plagueing me now-depressing, but also oddly comforting. I can also look back and remember how it felt the first time I beat my brother at chess, or the first time I taught anyone to swim- those are good things to read and remember on occasion. A little ego booster on a rough day. There is, of course, the delema of finding said journals from age 10 until now. Quite difficult on occasion.

I don't know why it is that writing tends to be so theraputic for me. Every time something confusing, hurtful, exciting, or upsetting happens I go to pencil and paper. Getting my thoughts organized and on paper for my eyes to see tends to at least help me understand what I'm thinking. It also makes it more real for me, makes me admit it's happening. When someone close to me was murdered almost two years ago I wrote a lot. I also read the newspaper articles a lot. I still read them. I guess I'm partly afraid I'll forget how I felt, and partly afraid I'll try to forget. It was a horrible experience, a dreadful hideous time. Those few months after they died were the hardest months of my life I think. Somehow, writing all the feelings down, all the memories I could, it helped. When those kinds of times hit, my writing changes though. Where normally I am somewhat anal about grammar and accuracy of thought, I ignore the rules. The priority shifts from accurate and correct communication to a reader to accurate and quick understanding for self.

So, whereas I write as if someone else can read it, and may respond in language- I really don't write for them. I write for me, with the aid of "you" to assist in the thought explanation. I suppose it's just easier for my brain to pretend I'm sharing, when really, I'm simply sorting my thoughts out for me. I just need "someone" to talk with- some noun/pronoun to address in my exploring. Which, I suppose could mean that even though I want to feel like I'm sharing, I don't really want to share. Go figure
posted by sarah 5:08 PM

{Wednesday, January 09, 2002}

Skipped a day in writing, but never fear, I'll get into the habit of writing eventually. I'm learning. Lately life is all about computers and lack of sleep. How odd. It turns out I have a web page or two on this crazy "world wide web"- too bad I'm not soo familiar with mantaining them or updating anything. Ah well. I've been thinking about how all this learning will shape my thoughts about careers and such. Sometimes I think I spend way too much time thinking about something that will not be clear to me for a long time. I wonder how I'd have liked growing up in a communist society where my future would have been dictated for me. I think I'd have liked it quite well, no worries, no option- just "do this." Yes, I never really have enjoyed making decisions for myself along those lines anyway. There have only been a few decisions in my life that I take ownership of and actually wanted to make. It's not that I'm lazy, or afraid I'll make the wrong decision (at least not usually), it's simply that with most things, I don't care. I genuinely don't care say, where I go to eat, or what I do for entertainment on any given night, or what order I do the errands, or what kind of plate I eat from, or where I go to vacation- it simply doesn't matter to me. Now, with that said, the things that DO matter to me, I decide right intentionally. My decision to follow Christ, a deliberate and thought out one, my decision to spend time with people, again, intentional. I often wonder if this aspect of my personality should be altered, if it is a flaw. I think, to some degree I should be more decisive. I also think, that some people take life WAY too seriously, deciding everything as if it were the most important factor of their life. SO, I suppose I could use some work on being decisive, even if it's only for the sanity of those who have to deal with my uninvolvement in any decision.
posted by sarah 9:02 AM

{Monday, January 07, 2002}

So here I am, in what's supposed to be "the easiest course ever" of my college career. Career, what a way to describe this time in my life, career. Ah well, back to sitting here in class. Myself, and 6 others are atempting to learn/relearn a bit about how to use the massive amounts of technology available to us in this dreadfully confusing and delightfully overwhelming world. It's amazing to me how a body can become so caught up in learning that it literally forgets, at least momentarily, all that is outside its learning. And though this is true, it still maintains all its functions, breathing, sitting upright, seeing, feeling, all of these things are so natural that the brain upholds them regardless of distraction. How odd that the mind can be so consumed, yet so aware. But what really got me started on this particular portion of the class was the harmless curiousity to experience what it is I am learning. This class, it seems, will revolve around reading/writing online journals and diaries. Eventually, this will lead to an understanding of the concept and also to a playground for the 7 of us to test our newfound technological skills. SO, with this in mind, I will continue to explore the thoughts and lives of those who choose to "publish" online.

posted by sarah 8:08 AM